Forgiveness: The Hardest and Most Liberating Act

Forgiving others is hard. Forgiving yourself can feel impossible. But the hardest forgiveness of all? Forgiving your parents.

Parents are supposed to be our first source of love, safety, and support. When they fail us—whether through emotional distance, neglect, or outright harm—the wound runs deep. And if you’re anything like me, it can take years before you even realize how much their actions shaped your struggles.

When I started therapy, I finally understood why I felt the way I did. The emotional emptiness, the anxiety, the feeling of never being good enough—it all traced back to my childhood. My parents were emotionally distant, and no matter how hard I tried as a child, I could never get through to them. I carried that need for validation into adulthood, chasing external approval, relationships, and accomplishments, hoping they would fill the void.

Once I connected the dots, I felt both relief and rage. Relief that my struggles weren’t random—there was a reason I felt the way I did. But rage because the people who were supposed to love me the most had been the ones who hurt me the most. And they never even realized it.

I confronted my mother, thinking she needed to hear it, that she should understand what I had gone through. But instead of healing, it only caused more pain. She felt guilty, defensive, and overwhelmed. It didn’t bring me the closure I had hoped for. It only made the gap between us wider.

That’s when I realized that true forgiveness isn’t about getting an apology. It’s not about making someone else understand or take responsibility. My mother couldn't give me what I needed, not because she didn’t want to, but because she didn’t have the tools. She, too, was a hurt child in an adult’s body. She had been shaped by her own childhood, just as I had been shaped by mine.

Breaking the cycle didn’t mean forcing them to change—it meant choosing not to carry the pain forward. I had to move through it with love, not resentment. Forgiving them didn’t mean excusing what happened. It meant seeing them for who they really were: flawed, imperfect people doing the best they could with what they had. Just like me.

Lately, I’ve been having this same conversation with so many friends who are still stuck in blame. They talk about how their parents ruined their lives, how they failed them, how they were the root of all their struggles. And I get it. I used to feel the same way. But what I see now is that this endless focus on what’s wrong—on the past, on the pain—only keeps them trapped. They think they are processing their wounds, but they are just reliving them over and over.

And the worst part? They project their own hurt onto their parents, expecting them to suddenly be different people. When that doesn’t happen, it creates more anger, more disappointment, more negativity. Instead of healing, it fuels the cycle of resentment and division.

Zen Buddhism teaches that holding onto anger is like gripping a hot coal—it only burns the person holding it. Letting go doesn’t mean pretending it never happened. It means putting the coal down so you can finally free yourself.

But how do you actually do that? How do you move past blame, resentment, and regret?

Here’s a five-step process that helped me let go:

1. Write down a situation or a decision you deeply regret or still feel resentment about.

Be specific. What happened? How did it affect you? Maybe it’s a decision you made that you can’t forgive yourself for, or maybe it’s something someone else did that still lingers in your mind.

2. Reflect on your reasons for feeling this way.

Why does this situation still hold power over you? Did it hurt someone else? Did it close off an opportunity? Did it change the course of your life? Dig into the emotions attached to it.

3. Reframe the situation from a place of compassion.

Instead of seeing it through the lens of pain, try looking at it the way a kind friend would. If it’s about your parents, ask yourself: What pain were they carrying? If it’s about yourself, remind yourself: I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

4. Ask yourself: What would I do differently now?

If you had the wisdom you have today, what choices would you make? What actions would you take? This isn’t about beating yourself up—it’s about seeing how much you’ve grown.

5. Focus on what you can change now.

You can’t rewrite the past, but you can decide how you carry it forward. Maybe that means making amends. Maybe it means setting boundaries. Or maybe, it simply means deciding that you’re done letting this story define you.

Forgiveness isn’t easy. It took me years to get there. But the weight I carried for so long—the anger, the resentment, the longing for something that would never come—finally started to lift. And in that space, I found something unexpected: peace.

But here’s the most important part: Our perspectives shape our reality.

Every time we find a positive or constructive way to reframe something that once caused us pain, we weaken the neural pathways connected to that pain. The brain constantly rewires itself based on how we think, feel, and act. If we keep reinforcing old wounds with the same thoughts, we strengthen the neural structures that keep us stuck in suffering. But if we shift our perspective—even just a little—we start creating new neural pathways.

New experiences of understanding, love, and acceptance literally build new protein structures in the brain, forming fresh neural networks that associate something constructive or even positive with that old trigger. Over time, peace becomes second nature. What once triggered deep pain will lose its power. Not because you’re ignoring reality, but because you have changed how your mind responds to it.

This isn’t just emotional healing—it’s science. You are not at the mercy of your past. Your brain is adaptable, and every new choice, every shift in perspective, changes the way you experience your life.

So let go of the hot coal. Not for them, but for you. Because you deserve to be free.

Before You Go...

If you're enjoying this newsletter, I would greatly appreciate your support. Please consider sharing it with a friend or colleague who may benefit from some motivation and inspiration. Thank you!

My mission

My mission is to empower people to discover their true selves by freeing them from the mental and social constraints that hold them back, and to assist them in becoming their best selves.

FREE Stuff

💸 Break Free from the Working-Class Mindset & Unlock Your Cashflows

What if the biggest thing keeping you from financial freedom isn’t your job, the economy, or how hard you work—but the beliefs you inherited? Implementing the Money Mindset is your guide to breaking free from the working-class mindset of scarcity, struggle, and survival, and stepping into effortless wealth and opportunity. No fluff, no gimmicks—just deep transformation.

Grab your copy now!

😰 I’ve Been There—Now Let Me Show You the Way Out.

I battled years of severe anxiety, panic attacks, and emotional exhaustion. I tried everything—therapy, meditation, journaling—but nothing truly worked until I rewired my mindset and took action.

That’s why I wrote The Anxiety Playbook—a no-BS, practical guide to help you break free from overthinking, fear cycles, and self-sabotage. Packed with science-backed techniques and real-life strategies, this book will show you how to turn anxiety into your greatest teacher.

Grab your copy now!

Dive Deeper with a Coaching

On my journey through the dark night of the soul I had many great teachers and mentors on my side. I spent thousands of Euros (and still do) on coachings and every cent was worth it. I don't think I would have been able to turn my life around so quickly without the help of these amazing people. The value you are receiving from working on removing emotional blocks, limiting beliefs and toxic thinking, can't be measured in money.

Most people only need 6 sessions in 3 months to generate dramatic outcomes in their lives. It's not like I teach them new things or have a bullet proof process. Quite the opposite is true. I believe that structure and process can help, but in most cases you're limiting life and all of its wonderful ways to create miracles for you. I am working on an intuitive level and combine all of my experience and knowledge from freeing myself.

What my clients are saying about working with me

Clara, Startup Founder: "Through his own very real ordeal and great listening skills I felt understood and that he was able to level with me in a way that felt authentic and unlike other help I’d previously sought in this area. I was inspired to pursue my own happiness (not overnight) and today can say, nearly two years on, living in a different country with a life full of love and running my own company - doing something I love - I’m really glad we met."

Felix, Startup Founder: "Jan is an extraordinary human being and an outstanding coach. Through our coaching, he helps me tremendously with personal growth and always has practical guidance at his hand."

Zahid, Startup Founder: "Jan is an incredible listener. Through several conversations with him, I have gotten a huge amount of clarity about where I’m looking to go with my business, and how I can overcome personal and professional challenges."